This Hurts

Ezekiel 34:11

“For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a Shepard looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so I will look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from their countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. There they will be grazing land. There they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down declares the Sovereign Lord, I will search for the lost and bring back the strays, I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

I am clinging to this promise. 

I am sitting on my bedroom floor right now and crying as I write this. I feel like I am so far from who I should be during all this. I feel like I shouldn’t keep going from really high highs to really low lows, not because I am better than others and should be stronger, but because I feel like I am not portraying my trust in the Lord well if I admit that I am scared, lonely, and exhausted at having to do life this way. 

I feel like my hands are tied. I feel like I can’t be who I want to be. I feel like I am trying to love, encourage and minister with my hands tied behind my back.

I love people by making everyone feel welcome and having a hospitable spirit and to have that taken away, in the way I know how to do it, has hurt my heart that I CAN’T do that right now.

I have a CALLING on my life that I never thought I would have to live out this way, so not gonna lie, I am not prepared for how to live it out well during a worldwide pandemic. So, my emotions and outlook are going to go back and forth, sometimes day by day, but other times it is minute by minute. 

Even though I have had all these raging and intense emotions this morning I have also gotten a word from the Lord 

“For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a Shepard looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so I will look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from their countries, and I will bring them into their own land.” - Ezekiel 34:11 - 13a

I am clinging to the promise that the Lord who is the good shepherd, will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered.”

His spirit hasn’t left me, and it is okay for me to crumble on my floor and whisper: “This is so hard. I thought it would be over by now.” 

He is my dad, and He wants to know that I am tired. My putting on a brave front does not glorify Him. 

Today I am breaking a bit, but I am deciding to choose HIM because what HE did on the cross is worth my entire life and getting to be in a relationship with Him. 

This blog is going to be left a little unfinished because I don’t know how this will all end, but I wanted to be real and let anyone who is feeling this same way know they are not alone. 

Jesus is my King and He is on the throne, always.